Tired of spammy sales calls interrupting your day? You’re not alone. Whether it’s telemarketers, cold callers, or robots pretending to be real people, we’ve all been hit with the dreaded, “Hi, is this the homeowner?”
So instead of hanging up — why not have a little fun?
We put together 29 absolutely ridiculous, unnecessary, and hilarious ways to mess with salespeople next time they call. Use at your own risk. Bonus points if you confuse them so much they take you off their list.
1. “Sorry, you must have the wrong number — only God lives here.”
Start holy. Confuse them with divine presence right out of the gate.
2. When they call back: “Actually, this is the Devil’s line.”
Balance it out. Gotta keep things spiritually confusing.
3. “They can’t come to the phone right now… they’re deep in meditation and might stay that way for days.”
Say it calmly. Whisper, if possible.
4. Try to sell them encyclopedias.
“We’ve got A–Z in excellent condition. Want volume 6: FER–GIG?”
5. Begin telling them your life story — from birth.
Don’t stop. They won’t last until kindergarten.
6. “I hate salespeople with a burning passion. What city do you live in again?”
Threatening? A little. Funny? Also yes.
7. Answer every question in song.
Extra points if it’s off-key. Bonus if it’s ABBA.
8. “Do you speak Pig Latin? It’s the only language I understand.”
Amuse yourself by translating gibberish.
9. Hand the phone to your toddler. Let chaos unfold.
“MOMMMMM THEY WANNA TALK ABOUT INTERNETTTTT.”
10. The moment they name their company, start barking. Loudly.
Don’t stop. Bonus if someone else in the house howls too.
11. Offer to analyze their psychological state.
“You sound like someone who bites their nails. A lot. Let’s unpack that.”
12. “Please refer to me as Dr. Chopsticks moving forward.”
Hold that title with pride. Refuse to answer otherwise.
13. “You’ll never guess what I pulled out of my ear this morning…”
Proceed to describe it. In detail.
14. Ask, “What color underwear are you wearing today?”
Say it with genuine curiosity.
15. Describe your socks. In slow, dramatic fashion.
“These argyles… they carry stories.”
16. Interrupt them every 8 seconds to praise your new toaster.
“Wait, wait — it has four slots. Four.”
17. Whine loudly: “It’s past my bedtime.”
Bonus if it’s 2 p.m.
18. Midway through:
“Oh no, Phil! You’ve done it again! That knife was TOO sharp! How will we pay for another funeral?!”
19. Ask, “Do you believe in antelopes?”
Ask it again. And again. Sound increasingly desperate for an answer.
20. Refuse to answer anything. “I think you’re one of them.”
Don’t say who them is. Let it hang.
21. “What do you think happens if you put a frog in a blender?”
Let them answer. Then just say, “Wrong.”
22. Ask for their number so you can call back and chat later.
They love that. Super normal thing to do.
23. When they try to hang up, burst into tears:
“DON’T LEAVE ME!”
24. “Did I ever tell you about the time I got stuck in the doggy door?”
Go on. Describe it slowly.
25. Spend a long time figuring out if your name is really your name.
Then ask them to remind you of it every now and then.
26. “You’re the first person I’ve spoken to since I returned from… space.”
Say it like it’s top-secret.
27. Hum the Sesame Street theme.
Act shocked when they speak: “Who’s there? I thought I was alone…”
28. Start snoring mid-call.
Then snap awake and say, “Were you watching me sleep?”
29. “They’ve come for me. I must go now. To a better place.”
Then hang up dramatically.
30. Start whispering. Get gradually louder. Then scream, “THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE.”
Hang up immediately.
31. Ask if they’re calling about your car’s extended goat warranty.
Yes, goat. Then demand they fix your goat.
32. Say you’re doing a seance and ask if they’d like to speak to your late uncle Mort.
Then change your voice and become Mort.
33. Pretend to be a voicemail. Repeat everything they say, then say, “Sorry, this mailbox is full.”
34. Keep saying “hold please” every 3 seconds. Don’t let them talk. Ever.
35. Ask them to guess your favorite sandwich. Don’t let them continue until they get it right. (It’s tuna melt, obviously.)
36. Scream, “YOU’RE THROUGH TO THE FBI!”
Bonus if you make typing noises in the background.
37. Say you can’t talk — you’re in the middle of a police chase.
Make siren noises. Add screaming. Drop the phone like you crashed.
38. Tell them you’re glad they called because you really need help getting rid of the body.
Then whisper: “How well do you know bleach?”
39. Ask them to hold while you go get your emotional support snake.
Come back and hiss into the phone.
Final Note (Before You Get Banned by Verizon)
Messing with salespeople is a weirdly satisfying form of revenge for years of interrupted dinners. Just don’t go too hard — remember, some of them are just trying to survive capitalism one awkward phone call at a time.
But if you’re gonna waste your time, you might as well make it entertaining.
stay unhinged,
alldayjokes.com